I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
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*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
(by @ZachWeiner )
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.