@Elizasoul80

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

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@Adyaces

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

@sarcasticmommy4

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

@DirtMcTurd

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

@Fred_Delicious

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

@MasterOfFury

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

@JohnLyonTweets

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

@sweetmomissa

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here