I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

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Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat


My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.


Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.


My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.


Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”


Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.


Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*


Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here