A ghost story
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Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Accurate
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.