Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
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My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
getting groceries
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
We are the people our parents warned us about.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it