If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
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i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.