Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.