Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
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If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.