TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
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Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Discuss
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
But wait…
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”