I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
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good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”