The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
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Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.