I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
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The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”