ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
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Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Breaking news:
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Great game to play with friends
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”