sigh
You Might Also Like
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.