At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

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Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.


It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!


How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.


“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
“sorry it’s permanent”


Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away


People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..


[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean


[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*


If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.