At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
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my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”