@mattgallo123

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

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@vladchoc

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

@hipstermermaid

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

@SardonicTart

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

@murrman5

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

@fro_vo

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

@girlontapas

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

@fro_vo

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

@squirrel74wkgn

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

@baronvonbike

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.