To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
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“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21