What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
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DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Sheep