Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
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<- sleeps well with others
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.