I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?