just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
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I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there