Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
You Might Also Like
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?