Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
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Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Realtor: It’s cozy
“I FIXED IT!”
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
she has a point
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT
[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water