Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
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TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is