Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
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My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129