[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
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Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho