I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
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Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
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The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I laughed at this way too hard.
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Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
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Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.