The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
You Might Also Like
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Can you solve the riddle??
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.