If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
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[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”