All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
You Might Also Like
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.