All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
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my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Don’t tell me what to do
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“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*