Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
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Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
SPLOOT
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard