@OctopusCaveman

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

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@AngieDavisHaha

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

@bigmacher

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

@Vanilla_cupcak

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

@HenpeckedHal

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

@Pundamentalism

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

@WilliamAder

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

@dril

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

@TheAndrewNadeau

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

@dafloydsta

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR

@jctwritesstuff

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?