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Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
*limbos away from your hug*
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?