Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
You Might Also Like
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
😎 🍻
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.