[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
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Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
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me: great thanks
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me: cool
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Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
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Note from 5yo:
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I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
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Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
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Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
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This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
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Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
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i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok