David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
You Might Also Like
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Livid.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.