5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
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I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
This fish is cracking me up
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.