My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
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Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
you stereotypes are all alike
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff