Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
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When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
this post was so formative to me
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.