Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
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wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster