Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

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brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT


The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.


How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?


dog 911: what’s ur emergency?


dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass


Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.


“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms


Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.


I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.


I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.


What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.