Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
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I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.