Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
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Me: Same.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO