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Me: Same.
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me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
fourth time’s the charm
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again