professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
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My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.