Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
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Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I’m going to need a moment here.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.