Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
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[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Is your wife single?
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.