I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
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I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
buys donuts instead
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
*praying for world peace*
God: