Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
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Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
This is Sparta
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*