Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
You Might Also Like
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
This checks out
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE