Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
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This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
english majors be like furthermore
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.