Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???