Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
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If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
this has to be peak English
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.