I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
You Might Also Like
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
*mops up wine with cat*
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal