I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
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I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
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I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
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Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.