The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
You Might Also Like
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I never needed anything more in my life
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.