My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
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Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not